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Woman Jailed for Masturbating While Driving
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| [ bizzare ] [ masturbation ] [ legal ] |
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Okay, I've heard of distracted driving before, but this is ridiciulous.
A 36 year old Cincinnati motorist was arrested for masturbating with a vibrator while driving. Apparently she was watching a porno on a laptop computer that the passenger was holding.
I'm going to assume we're all sane people here and can't fathom why she was masturbating while driving, so I'm going to ask the next obvious question.
What the fuck was the passenger doing? If they were sexual partners, you'd think he or she could have "lent a hand" to make things a little easier for the driver. If they weren't sexual partners, then well, shit. I'm just flabbergasted. Apparently the next time I'm offered a ride with someone, I need to understand my duties as a passenger may involve more than just help with the navigation.
[from smokinggun]
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posted by webmaster
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Vacuum Love at the Car Wash
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| [ stupidity ] [ masturbation ] [ sex toy ] |
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Car wash vacuums are not exactly sex toys, but a 29-year-old Michigan man thought he'd give it a go anyway. Unfortunately, the Saginaw Police didn't find the man's display of "receiving sexual favors from a vacuum" at a public car wash very appropriate. In fact, the officer who got out of his car and approached the hoover happy man on foot had this to say of the incident:
I've seen some strange things, but this is the weirdest thing I ever heard.
Heard? That's right, the sound of a dick being sucked up by an industrial vac must be pretty, um interesting.
The incident occurred at 6:45 AM on Thursday, so perhaps the man had a nasty case of morning wood with no relief in sight? If he had only heard of Vortex Vibrations, perhaps the humiliation and visit to Saginaw County Jail could have all been avoided:
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posted by Leksi
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New Olympic Sport: Bench Fucking
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| [ china ] [ bizarre ] [ masturbation ] [ stupidity ] |
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 Late in the evening of August 7th, Hong Kong police receive a call for help.
Xing, a 41 year old, has attempted to satisfy himself by sticking his penis into one of the swiss-cheese stamped metal benches at LanTian Park. However, as Xing grows aroused, his dick swells with blood and he can no longer extricate himself from the hole. In his panic, he calls the local authorities.
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posted by Leksi
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Nuts and Bolts?
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| [ australia ] [ stupidity ] [ masturbation ] |
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 An Australian man had to undergo an hour and half of surgery for sixteen stainless steel washers that were tightly lodged on the shaft of his penis.
Fire rescue officers were on the scene at the man's home around 3 AM on Monday in an attempt to dislodge the washers, which proved too tight for routine extraction. The man had to be transported to a nearby hospital in the north-west Sydney suburb of Hornsby, where surgeons were forced to use special cutting devices provided by fire services as the hospital's normal ring-removers were too small for the girth of the washers.
Unfortunately for the gene pool, this genius did not suffer any lasting damage, but according to news reports, the "mysterious" circumstances around which he managed to get sixteen washers stuck on his penis still remain unknown. Now, I'm no forensic accident investigator, but here's a theory provided by yours truly:
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posted by Leksi
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Yanking the Crank Like a Champ
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| [ sex ed ] [ masturbation ] |
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 Everyone masturbates. Let's start with that. For women, there's a near endless variety of gadgets available to help facilitate the process. For men, however, the best way is still all about the technique. The hand and some lube are the basics to buttering the corn. And yes, this article is chock full of colorful euphemisms for male masturbation, so read on if you dare.
While researching the topic of waxing the dolphin, I came across an interesting article on Co-Ed Magazine regarding the top five ways to buff the banana. To give you a taste, number one - dubbed “ORAL” SIMULATION - reads:
To simulate the feeling of lips sliding over the penis head: Lube up your erection and hold the shaft in one hand. Put your dominant hand’s index and middle fingers together horizontally, palm toward your face, in front of the penis head. Push the head into the gap between the fingers. The fingers should be relaxed, not tense. Now pull back and do this over and over the top third of the penis. Feel how the fingers conform to the penis’s contour as they slide over the head and back. As you do this, position your other hand behind the “lips,” and grip and squeeze the head as you push the penis in.
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posted by Leksi
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Female Masturbation in Independent Film
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| [ silver screen ] [ masturbation ] |
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 According to Jerry Portwood of the New York Press, "we're in the middle of a Renaissance of female masturbation scenes in independent films." He goes on to cite various scenes in some well-made works of cinematic enlightenment where the lead actress diddles herself, including Boarding Gate (Asia Argento), Mulholland Drive (Naomi Watts), Margot at the Wedding (Nicole Kidman!), Anatomy of Hell (Amira Cesar), Secretary (Maggie Gyllenhaal) and 9 Songs (Margo Stilley). Actually, at least one of these films - Secretary (2002) with Maggie Gyllenhaal and James spader, has inspired an adult version: Adam & Eve's Perfect Secretary (2005) starring Carmen Luvana in her first anal. Even the two box covers of these films are starkly similar (pictured).
The last film listed, 9 Songs, which I will be renting promptly (thank you Netflix!), features actual penis-to-pussy penetration. Here is what Portwood says of the film:
It almost seems silly to include Michael Winterbottom’s quasi-porn. Sure, there’s good lighting, but all we get in this film is an American girl and horse hung Kieran O’Brien getting it on with full (real) penetration and plenty of other kinky bits. Oh, and it's interspliced with scenes from the two going to rock concerts. Don’t remember the self-pleasure? That’s cuz you were too busy freeze-framing her riding his stuff.
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posted by Leksi
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