 Philip Seaton was undergoing a simple circumcision procedure when the surgeon decided to - without the patient's or family's consent - lop off his penis.
Seaton, 61 of Shelby County, Kentucky, woke up to the horror of an involuntary "penisectomy". As you can imagine, the anguished man and his wife are suing the surgeon - Dr. John Patterson, the anesthesiologist - Dr. Oliver James, and the clinic where the procedure took place - Commonwealth Urology, PSC.
Dr. Patterson's lame defense is that he found cancer in Seaton's penis during the circumcision procedure. Instead of first obtaining consent from the patient, or allowing his patient to seek a second opinion, Patterson got all Lorena Bobbitt on his patient's manhood. Dr. Patterson was not available for statement, but this is how I imagine the conversation:
Q: So Dr. Patterson, do you have a God Complex or is it standard protocol to cut off the patient's penis without any prior consent?
A: I have an M.D., I am board certified in urology, I successfully operated on the former Kentucky Governor Wilkinson*, and I am never, ever sick at sea. So I ask you; when someone goes into that chapel and they fall on their knees and they pray to God that their wife doesn't miscarry or that their daughter doesn't bleed to death or that their mother doesn't suffer acute neural trauma from postoperative shock, who do you think they're praying to? Now, go ahead and read your Bible, Mr. & Mrs. Seaton, and you go to your church, and, with any luck, you might win the annual raffle, but if you're looking for God, he was in the Commonwealth Urology operating room the day of your procedure, and he doesn't like to be second guessed. You ask me if I have a God complex. Let me tell you something: I am God.**
Doesn't Alec Baldwin give the best badass monologues?
* WILKINSON HAS SURGERY FOR RECURRING INFECTION, Lexington Herald-Leader (KY) - May 23, 1989, Edition: FINAL, Section: CITY/STATE, Page: B1
** Dr. Jed Hill's Monologue from Malice (Castle Rock Entertainment: 1993), with slight alteration for spoofing purposes
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